Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
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I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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