apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Randomize
