I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
