I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
