Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
you traded sex for a burrito?
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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