how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
i need an iv and a liver transplant
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
Blood and glitter go together right?
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Randomize
