I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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