considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Randomize
