I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Randomize
