I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I am one with the molecules
My butt remains clenched, sir.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
