It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
Randomize
