you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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