Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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