i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
Randomize
