I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Randomize
