I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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