Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
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