I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Randomize
