we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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