i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
