Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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