we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Randomize
