Do you still have your period?
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
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