Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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