Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
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