forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
