batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
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