did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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