My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Randomize
