My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
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