So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize
