I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
