I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
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