I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Randomize
