"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
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I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
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And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
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