you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
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