i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Randomize
