whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
