She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Randomize
