she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
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I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
You can't just leave with hair like that
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
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