What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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