No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Randomize
