Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
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