Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
