He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
