Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Randomize
