so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Randomize
