ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
