Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
Randomize
