so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
