Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
