so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
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