Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
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