Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
No...this little piggys going to the bar
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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