Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
