just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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