do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Randomize
