RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
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