whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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